small victories

05Jun10

Tonight was the first night I have spent on my own at home in nearly three months without binging or restricting. I moved out of home ten weeks ago, at the same time as I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. Around the same time, I was also promoted at work, which in itself is a great thing, but it means double the responsibilities and double the workload. Today I was reminded of these facts. These were big changes. These changes were stressful. I am still struggling to cope with these changes. Work is demanding. Moving, paying rent and becoming financially independent has hugely impacted my life. Losing my boyfriend of four years was incredibly sad, as was finding out that I had really lost touch with so many friends while in a relationship, and while having an eating disorder. I need to give myself a break, and be a little kinder to myself.

My eating disorder behaviours have always been coping mechanisms. For years, in times of anxiety and stress, my restrictive behaviours were exacerbated. Now that I’ve started down the journey of recovery, and have been eating more and introducing more foods into my diet, these eating disorder behaviours have taken on a new form – binging. My body is still crying out for nutrients, and is still slightly underweight, so is it any wonder it’s turned to food to soothe me?

I HATE myself for binging. I have beat myself up about it for days, weeks, months. I was so appalled and shocked at these behaviours and urges after restricting for so long, and I took it out furiously on myself. Is it any wonder my mind keeps trying to soothe?

If I know I am anxious/lonely/down/frustrated, and am in danger of binging, trying to scare myself out of acting on these urges by thinking about terrifying weight gain and physical discomfort will not serve to soothe me, it will only make me more anxious/lonely/down/frustrated. Simple, I know. But I need to remind myself of this. Apart from finding less damaging ways to soothe myself, I need to be kinder to myself in general. That, along with breaking my routine and changing bad habits, as well as eating well and regularly without the mentality of restriction, are the things that are going to pull me out of this terrible cycle.

Tonight I felt so happy at my success. It was a huge victory for me given recent behaviours, and I’m enjoying the feeling! Granted, a couple of things were stacked in my favour today. I am still full from the effects of my last episode so I’m not overly hungry (although this might normally make me try to restrict, which I avoided), and I also had my group therapy sessions from 8am until 1pm today. Both of these things did make it easier. But, to trust myself to be alone around food, prepare a normal meal and not turn to binging was liberating. It’s given me some much needed hope and pulled me out of my really low state of mind.

I’m hoping I can ride this happy cloud for as long as possible, and really start trying to kick these eating disordered behaviours. Here’s to being a little kinder to myself!

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no way out

02Jun10

I’m sorry about the nature of the post, but I’m just feeling at a complete dead end. My binging behaviour is all over the place, I am feeling so low. I went to the doctor’s this morning who prescribed antidepressants, but I was told they will not have any effect for about three weeks. I’m pretty much ready to throw in the towel. I didn’t think my confidence could be lowered any more than it has been, but I just feel absolutely hopeless. My weight is up at the highest it has been in two years, my mood is at an all time low. I didn’t go in to work afterwards, I just called in sick. I’m too embarrassed to face my colleagues, and I also feel like I just can’t face the word right now. My parents keep calling my phone, but I’m too ashamed to pick up. There is nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide. I’ve dug myself into this hole, and it’s too deep to get out of now. I have held on to my job for so long, but I just don’t care anymore. It was once my dream job, now every day I go through the motions like a zombie until I can finally leave at the end of the day. I wish I could pack up, go overseas, and start my life over. But I haven’t got the means to do this, and I have nowhere to go. I don’t know what to do. It just feels like there is nothing anymore.

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getting out of my comfort zone

29May10

Today was my third session of group therapy, and it went really well. Things haven’t been great the past week. It has been really good for me to be at home and to be looked after, especially food-wise. And it helps having my parents to come home to, in terms of company. But it’s almost serving to keep me really socially isolated, because at least at my house in the inner city my flatmates have people coming and going all the time. So, provided I don’t hole up in my room, I’m forced to interact with people my own age.

So many people showed up to the program today, which was really encouraging. Last week there was hardly anyone there, and we were all a bit..flat. One of the things I most enjoy about going is the meals. We all have breakfast, morning tea and lunch as a group, and it feels like just a bunch of normal girls catching up over a meal, chatting and whatever. Today though, they sprung on us a surprise outing for morning tea. This meant that we were going out to a cafe to have a “fun food” (compulsory fun – love that concept ha). There were two options – to order a “fun food” from the cafe, or to buy something along the same lines at the supermarket next door. My ED was relieved! This meant I could just buy my little lindt chocolate bar from next door… it looks like a challenging food, but to be honest it’s really not a fear food because I happen to know that this particular chocolate bar only has about 160 calories (quite pitiful for a “fun food” really). But the supermarket didn’t stock them! I felt a bit of panic coming on, and the eating disordered part of me was kind of freaking out. I still find eating out at cafes/restaurants really challenging. In fact, yesterday I had hoped to go out with work people for chinese dumplings at lunch time, but I had chickened out at the last minute, made some excuse, and then had been annoyed at myself for letting my ED dictate my decision. Anyway, this was my chance to make up for it. The thing is, eating these “fun foods” is completely associated with binging for me; if I allow myself something I consider to be a really unsafe or challenging food, then I tend to freak out about it and go totally overboard, or my body then can think of nothing else but it’s cravings for more of that food. Either way, the outcome has never been good when I’ve tried to challenge myself with fear foods. However, today was totally different. I marched back into the cafe, and ordered what used to be my absolute FAVOURITE cake – lemon meringue pie. It. Was. So. Good. Crumbly shortbread base, tangy buttery lemon filling, fluffy meringue – what more could a girl want?! Even better was the fact that it was enjoyed in a social, comfortable situation where I sat down with my cake and laughed and chatted with everyone around me. Afterwards, I felt satisfied, and it was so incredibly rewarding to treat myself like that without the incredible guilt afterwards. I think it really helped that we were all eating and treating ourselves to cake etc, it just made me feel so much more at ease. For pretty much the first time since I’ve begun recovery, I can associate eating something way outside my comfort zone with a positive end result. yay!

Even better, I managed to not think back about it later and start worrying, or be tempted to restrict. I ploughed on through a hearty lunch of a buttered ham & cheese salad sandwich, and treated myself to a yummy organic nut and seed bar for my afternoon snack.

When the evening rolled around, I did something that I haven’t done for SUCH a long time (at least not with any enjoyment) – I went to a party! Even when I intend on going out, I almost always pike at the last minute. If I do end up going, I tend to get anxious, self-conscious and end up going home really early. This has to do with a number of things: being self-conscious about my body when I’m out, being unable to focus fully on my conversations with people because of distracting thoughts about food etc, being tired, worried about calories in alcohol, etc, etc, etc. Tonight, I knew literally only a handful of people, but it was fun nonetheless. I indulged in some party food, and even some sangria (note to self, sangria works a treat for nerves and anxiety – must drink more sangria ha!). It had really helped that in session today we had talked about how much we tend to second guess what everyone is thinking about us and assume the worst. Tonight I discovered that not everyone is dying of boredom when they’re talking to me like the crazy thoughts I conjure up in my head tell me, nor are they assessing every inch of my physical appearance. Turns out they’re just there to have a fun night.

Oh, and it was a dress up party…enter..the blues brothers! (the theme was “two’s” for the twins who were having the party)

Trying to be look “blues-ey”…

Thought I’d post some pictures of some food as well while I’m at it.

strawberry greek yoghurt on oatmeal

(a fair few) pink macaroons!

goat’s cheese salad on toasted oat & rye bread

country-style cheese and jam
(country-style cheese is a bit like ricotta, but comes in a firm, creamy block like feta?)

goat’s cheese and egg salad

the most gorgeous pistachio and rose petal cake, made by my housemate (who I also happen to work with)

and lots of snacks!

Looking at all these photos, I’m realising that I really need to get away from my desk more to eat! I pretty much eat breakfast, lunch, and most of my snacks at my desk every day, how boring. Although, I haven’t photographed my dinners or any food at home since I’ve been having these with my family this week.

By the way, have I mentioned that I work at a food magazine? Yes, the irony. I know.

Anyway, today was a GOOD DAY!

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…

…

26May10

What has really hit me is the time it takes for our bodies to catch up after the harm we’ve put ourselves through. I always thought that it would be hardest for my mind to accept the fact that I’m no longer an anorexic, and to accept the weight gain. Sometimes it is, but for the most part, I think I have made a mental commitment to getting better. I’m trying really hard not to count calories, and I have just about accepted that I will be gaining/have already gained weight. For the most part, I’m ok with that. However, my body is yet to catch up.

I spoke with a nutritionist recently, and I was voicing my frustrations at my body still craving these crazy all-out binges, even though I feel like I have upped my food intake dramatically, and I’ve been getting a good broad range of nutrients in. I’ve been eating decent amounts of carbohyrates, fats, proteins, and trying to eat at regular intervals. I had banked on this being the cure-all for my binges. Yes, I realize I need to exercise some self-control, and to heal my black and white thinking about food, but I thought that this would become a whole lot easier once my food intake had increased and my body was no longer feeling as though it may starve.

Her answer was really simple. My body physiologically has not yet caught up. She said that often, when we first diet, our bodies have not experienced “starvation” before, therefore have not built up a protection against us trying to cut back on our food intake. Hence, it’s easy for a first-time dieter to lose weight, and more importantly, to be able to stick to a diet. She basically said that now that I’ve been re-feeding my body a little, I’ve given my body it’s first chance to be strong enough to built up some defense mechanisms for in case I start trying to starve it again. Funnily enough, my body does not want to starve! It is still crying out for nutrients, as these take a long time to replenish after two long years of semi-starvation and restriction. She told me that my body will do everything it can to keep me from depriving it again. So, each time I restrict even just a little, it will panic and want to be fed like it may never be fed again. Hence the enormous binges. The absolute worst thing I can do after a binge is to restrict to make up for it, even if I’m only cutting back on my food intake afterwards because I feel sick and full.

But when will my body begin to trust me again? I don’t know how long it will take, but it’s really hit me today that my body will never trust me and stop crying out for vast amounts of food until I have properly restored my weight and achieved a healthy BMI. While I feel like I have put on a little weight and am certainly increased my food intake by a good amount, I am yet to reach a healthy BMI, in fact I am still quite underweight. Although I really struggle to see this in the mirror, I know that I was heavier than I am now when I was free of ED, and that I will need to be heavier than I am now to fully recover. I tried to kid myself for a long time that I could recover “just a little” – be free of ED thoughts yet still remain mildly underweight. Now I’ve realized that this is completely unattainable – weight restoration and freedom from ED go hand in hand. I can’t have one without the other. My constant thoughts of food will not subside until I reach a healthy weight, and my body will not trust me until this is accomplished.

Even though I am living with my parents this week to try and get into stable eating patterns, and even though they have been feeding me decent meals, I know from doing a vague add-up in my head that I am still only getting around 1500 calories. This is not enough for a normal person, let alone for someone who should be gaining weight. Is it any wonder my body is still crying out for more?!

This morning I was ravenous, and stuck in the car for an hour going to work. I dug into my packed snacks for today and ate a muesli bar, thinking that would tide me over until I could prepare a proper breakfast at work.  It truly felt like my body was desperate for food. I ate and ate, and couldn’t stop.  I slipped back into the very behaviour I am trying to stop, and I didn’t have the self-control to stop myself. I feel like a failure for giving in, but on the other hand I truly felt like my body was functioning on autopilot. Now I’ve hardly been able to sit upright at my desk for the last six hours at work, in so much physical discomfort.

After being able to have the self-control to deprive myself for years, I cannot not last three days without binging. I am not a week-willed person. In fact, I’m incredibly stubborn and strong-willed. And yet now I find myself completely out of control and it terrifies me. Yes, I know that my body has now built up an incredibly defense mechanism to stop me starving myself, and that I need to properly restore my weight for it to stop. But I am so scared that it will never stop. What if I just keep on binging uncontrollably even when my weight is restored, and not stop? I feel like I’m heading into completely unchartered territory.

My aim is to try and not obsess over this slip up, and to acknowledge what my body is telling me. If I do not eat enough, my body will try to compensate. It is no longer possible to go without properly nourishing my body, even if it’s just under eating by a small amount. I need to fully restore my weight, and all I can do is hope that things settle down and start to normalize.

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one day at a time

23May10

I’m trying my best to just have a normal day today. I went for a walk with my mum, and then we had breakfast together. I had oats with full cream organic yoghurt. After that, we went a saw a movie – Letters to Juliet, which was oh-so-soppy and romantic but gorgeous. I totally loved it.

It was good to take my mind off things for a while, because today I keep thinking constantly about the weight I’ve gained from binging. I know it is just a number on a scale, and that I could do with a little bit of weight gain to get back into a healthy weight range, but it’s the largest gain I’ve had in the last two years and it happened over the space of a week. It’s a bit of a shock to be honest, as so far I haven’t really had to deal with any permanent weight gain from binges, my body seems to have just snapped back each time (until now). I only started binging about 2 months ago, and for 2 years before that (perhaps longer) I was in complete and utter CONTROL. I was incredibly restrictive, but at the time it was easy to feel like I was just incredibly healthy. I never skipped meals, but in hindsight they were all absolutely calorie-controlled to the point where it was ridiculous. I can’t believe I thought that 10 or 20 calories here or there in a meal could possibly affect my body in any way, shape or form. People sometimes admired my ‘healthy’ habits, which only reinforced to my anorexic mind that I was doing a ‘good’ thing for my body and that I didn’t have a problem at all. But my approach and thinking about food was completely disordered. It was (still is, unfortunately) all I thought about, and every food was labelled ‘good’ or ‘bad’, ‘safe’ or ‘unsafe’. This is something I really need to work on, to get out of this was of thinking. It also contributes so badly to the binges. ‘Slipping up’ and eating something ‘bad’ is enough to trigger a binge when I beat myself up over it and then decide I may as well go all out. It’s black and white thinking, all or nothing. Unfortunately, the same applies in all aspects of my life. I remember a few years ago on a trip to Paris, I had meticulously planned our every moment of the five days we had in Paris, right down to which museum we would visit, at which time, which cafe we would have lunch at, which ice cream shop we would visit, etc. I would hurry along my sister and mum to fit to my ridiculously detailed schedule, and then if we didn’t comply to the schedule, if we were 30 minutes late which meant we missed out on something I’d planned, I would totally lose it. I didn’t make a very fun travelling companion! I remember my sister even asking me when she would get “free time” during our holiday. I would love to be more spontaneous, and I think I used to before ED took a hold of my life.

It was a relief today for mum to be in control of my food. Scary (and annoying), but it’s a weight off my shoulders when I don’t have the option to spend hours planning and calorie counting. My body is still feeling the effects of a weeks worth of binging, so my mind is screaming at me that I should be restricting, but I don’t have that option. I thought about lying and saying I was meeting a friend for lunch, but then where would that really be getting me?

Mum prepared for me an (unpictured) lunch of a ham & mustard salad sandwich, and a delicious tangelo on the side.

Little did she realise, but she managed to put together a dinner comprised of probably my two biggest fear foods: pasta and mince meat. Yep, everybody’s favourite (except me) – spaghetti bolognese.  This wasn’t whole wheat pasta (not that I’m any less scared of any type when it comes to pasta) or lean mince. In fact, it was FOUR different kinds of mince – yikes!

With no choice given to me, down the hatch it went. And actually, it was delicious. My mum’s a great cook, and she’s slow cooked the bolognese ragu for 4 hours this afternoon. A bowl of fruit salad was also consumed for dessert.

The good (and sometimes bad) thing about being around my mum is the fact that she doesn’t take any shit. She won’t let me skimp on meals (to my horror she’ll even make me eat dinner with the family when I’ve literally just finished binging), and she’ll constantly tell me to stop complaining because in relation to many people, my problems are really nothing. This constantly makes me feel like she’s calling me selfish and self-centred (and she is), but hey – it’s called tough love. Sometimes what I need to pull me out of my depressed state is for her to tell me to quit whining and get on with it. That said, I can still always talk to her and know she will be there to give me a hug when I’m upset.

Tonight I’m going to bed with a full (but not painfully over-stuffed) tummy, and feeling relieved at getting through a normal day. I’m thanking my lucky stars that I am still welcomed back to my parent house to be looked after.

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getting back on track

22May10

Today was therapy day, which meant having breakfast, morning tea and lunch at the clinic I attend, in between group sessions. I’m really enjoying going to group – I’ve never been in a group therapy situation before, and it’s nice to have a little support network of other people who have all gone through things that I have. It makes me feel a little less… abnormal? I also had a check in with my dietician, which didn’t go so well. I find seeing her incredibly pointless. This was my third session with her, and she still didn’t give me a meal plan even though I asked for one and my therapists recommended I have a meal plan to follow. I really think it would help, just being able to stop obsessively planning ever meal, going over and over different combinations of foods and their calorie totals, and just eating what I’m told to and when. It would take so much stress out of my day, and also might lessen the disappointment I often feel when I’ve spent hours planning what I will eat for lunch (down to the very last calorie), and then I am disappointed with my meal after eating.

I kind of like eating at the clinic, not because the food is good, but because we’re all just told what to have (from a couple of options) and we all have it together as a group. I’m finding that I’m satisfied and thinking about food less between meals on these days, so maybe this means that on my own I’m still undereating a little, even when I’m not conscious of it (and then setting myself up to binge later when my body tries to make up for it).

Breakfast at clinic was a large bowl of sultana bran, a cup of full cream milk, a slice of toast and peanut butter. Morning tea was a bowl of fruit salad. Lunch was two slices of bread with butter, some ham, and a side of salad. Boring yes, but at least I didn’t have to think, and agonise over my meal.

After clinic, I made the decision to go back home, pick up some essentials, and take them back to my parents house, where I’ll be staying for a while. As fun as living out of home in the inner city is (not to mention convenient for work), I think I just need to break the cycle of bad habits that I’m in and get back on track. I’m not having much luck doing so on my own so far, and it’s disheartening to keep trying and trying to kick ED habits all by myself and stumbling over and over again. Being at home will mean that I’ll just eat whatever my mum is cooking, rather than stressing over cooking for myself (plus I won’t know what I’m having until I get home from work, so won’t be freaking out about it all day). Even though I love cooking and preparing my own food, it’s become too hard for the time being to cook for myself without the voice of ED in my head (be it telling me to restrict, or binge).

I was tempted to restrict after session today, as I still felt so incredibly full and uncomfortable from the binges of the last two days. Plus I was feeling totally freaked out by my weight gain which was the biggest gain I’ve experienced in the last two years (and it happened over the period of a week). Trying not to dwell on it too much though! However, I stuck to having afternoon snacks, and a proper meal for dinner, even though my parents were out and I could’ve gone without quite easily.

Snacks included a pretty bland nut bar (disappointing), and a bunch of juicy grapes.

Pre-dinner, I had a couple of spelt and cheese crackers, and the main event… oats in a jar! I have NEVER had oats in a jar before (and never thought I would), but I was making oats and noticed the nearly empty peanut butter jar (the joys of my parents fully-stocked pantry!). It’s something I’ve seen on so many blogs, so I decided to throw caution to the wind and try it out… so good! I never even usually eat peanut or any kind of nut butter with my oats, I don’t even eat peanut butter all that much at all (not as popular in Australia), but I might give it a run for breakfast now! A little after-dinner mint was for dessert (although may have been consumed while waiting for my oats to cook). Oh, and also a spoonful of greek yoghurt from a near-empty tub.

So, I guess that’s it for my first real post! Day one of getting-back-on-track down, and feeling ok. Night

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Hello..

21May10

…I’m a little unsure as to where to begin.

I’m a 22-year-old Australian girl trying to recover from an eating disorder. ED has haunted me for three long years, and now I’m fighting back. There’s been ups, and plenty of downs, but all i really want is to get back to living my life. It’s been on hold for too long! I’ve been reading the most amazing blogs for some time now.. but have never been brave enough to start my own. Until now.

I work full time, and hide my ED from the world – I’m good at putting on a facade and pretending to hold it all together when inside I’m completely falling apart. I need some kind of release, and a way to be honest and open up. I’ve been through it all, but after two years of restrictive eating and absolute ‘control’, I’ve started spirally into a terrible pattern of binging, and I’m struggling with the awful guilt, shame, fear of gaining and physical pressure on my body. I have tried to manage this myself, but it’s a tough cycle to break out of. Even worse, it’s so hard because no one actually believes me on the occasions that I have opened up about my binges, because everyone who knows me is so used to seeing me being so restrictive and controlled around food for the past two years, and I’m incredibly secretive about my binges.

Last week, I started at a weekly day program at a centre for eating disorders. To be honest, I’d love to attend more often (no one is pushing me to go, I found the clinic and am paying for it myself) than once a week, but I just can’t risk taking time off work as my job is the one thing that I have not lost to ED, and it keeps me (somewhat) sane, day to day. This blog is step two in trying to take responsibility for my ED, thoughts, feelings and actions, and to try and get back to normal patterns of eating/thinking about food and my body.

Although I hate to start this blog on a low, I feel like admitting where I’m at right now is a way of starting anew. I’ve come home to my parents house (rather than to where I live with my flatmates), because I’ve had a terrible week of restricting and binging and beating myself up over my food choices. My mind is constantly plagued with thoughts of food, and I obsessively plan each meal. Even when I have the best intentions (ie eating a decent/unrestricted amount of food), my relationship and thinking about food is still so bad that even the slightest thing can set me off into a downward spiral of depression and binging. For example, today I had planned my lunch (avocado and ham on thick, grainy bread, with a tangerine), which I ate, but then the fact that I then immediately after lunch consumed a large banana was enough to make me feel so incredibly guilty that I then went and binged all afternoon. It’s that black and white/all or nothing. When I fall off the wagon, I tend to do it in spectacular style. All I can say is, thank god I called my mum after work (it took me half an hour to work up the courage to call her, as I was so ashamed and felt so guilty and horrible). It took her a while to calm me down and get me to stop crying, and initially I was regretting that I had called her. Now I’m in my old bed at my parent’s house, thanking my lucky stars that I have a mum who refuses to let me go home and be alone and wallow in my misery. She gave me two options: come home and see her, or she would come to me and bang the door down! She wasn’t going to let me be lonely. In fact, I was so annoyed at her for forcing me to eat some dinner after my enormous (and please don’t think I’m exaggerating here, it’s embarrassing, but my binges really would blow anyone’s mind – how does such a little tummy cram in all that food??!) binge, but she was right to do it. Tomorrow is a new day, in fact it’s actually therapy day tomorrow which is a blessing. And the day after that is another new day. And so on. Tomorrow I will rise, dine and (try to) shine.

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